I’m a writer. And it’s a good thing, too. Because the fact is, I write much better than I speak. But that’s not the only thing I am.
Artist? Sure. Humorist? Sometimes. A man who often eats cereal for lunch? It’s true. But I’m also a psychic. And I bet you didn’t see that one coming! (Unless, of course, you are also a psychic like me). But anyway. Do you know how I know I’m psychic? Because I know what you’re thinking…
“If he writes this poorly…” and “Where is all of this going?” and “When is this comic going to end?” and “Oh wait, here it is.” and “Oh, damn! That wasn’t the end! He fooled me!” and “OK, here’s the real ending.”
That awkward moment you update a social media profile and among other details, you write, “I used to be funny”. And regardless of whether other people ever found you funny or not, the fact that you no longer do is kind of depressing.
And it eventually eats at you so much that it compels you to try to find the humor in your life. And as you do, you find it. And it reminds you that as dark as the world can sometimes appear, it doesn’t mean that your life isn’t still full of silly ridiculousness.
The fact is, when times are tough, humor is often what we need to survive those times without going completely mad. If you can find the humor in life and make someone laugh, do it. Even if that someone is you.
I used to be funny. I still am. But I used to be, too.
*Nod to Mitch Hedberg
I think it’s kind of silly when advertisements claim “up to” amount for whatever it is they’re advertising. Because life experience tells me that I’ll nearly never get the maximum amount of whatever it is they claim.
I don’t care if a cell phone offers “up to” 10 hours of battery life. And I don’t care if I might save “up to” 25% when I buy one.
If companies really wanted to be bold, they would tell me that, that no matter what I do, I can expect “at least” [whatever it is]. Because that will likely prove to be far more accurate and more relevant to most people than any claims of “up to”.
*Even if you qualify it with “most people can expect to get a minimum of”, that’s far more useful to most people than “up to”.
Driving to the gym with the sunroof open. Smell eucalyptus and turn to see a bunch of happy eucalyptus trees after all the rain that California’s been getting.
That awkward moment you hear yourself shout, “Eucalyptus!”
That even more awkward moment after shouting “Eucalyptus!” that you shout it again a few more times and try to sound angry while doing it. Because ever since you heard that it’s impossible to say “bubbles” and sound angry, you’ve been looking for other words that are impossible to sound angry while saying them.
That awkward moment you’re working on your laptop in a cafe and discover that the best way to block out the sound of obnoxious patrons who have no sense of volume control is by playing the ambient sounds of another cafe in your headphones.
That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe’s and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that’s not a bad idea! And you’re kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.
So you’re thinking that’s not a bad idea and let’s do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, “Let’s not!”
And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.