Banking banter

At my new bank standing in front of a bank teller working out a transaction…

Bank teller: “I’ll just need to see some form of ID and have you answer a few questions.” he says. “And a blood sample.” he adds, jokingly.

Me, without hesitation: “Well, that’s less than what my former bank asks for.”

Teller, without skipping a beat: “Your first born?”

Me: “Yep. That’s why you’re my new bank and they’re my old one.”

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A special relationship

That awkward moment you’re at Trader Joe’s and the cashier asks you if you would like a bag. And you look at your stuff and think, that’s not a bad idea! And you’re kind of excited about it. Because you rarely buy more things than you can carry.

So you’re thinking that’s not a bad idea and let’s do it! And exclaim in an excited voice, “Let’s not!”

And then I had to laugh and explain that my brain and I have a special relationship. She looked at me and was very understanding.

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"Strangers are simply friends…"


The problem with the expression “Strangers are simply friends you haven’t met yet” is that my friends probably wouldn’t mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.

Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)

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Originally published on: Aug 23, 2013 @ 10:57

There has to be a law for that.


How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.


I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.


Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46

On the bottle


That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”

And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.


This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

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Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12

What I really need to do


What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.

… But I’ll settle for a slightly used one.

As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn’t going to raise my insurance premiums.

RE: Dead Or Alive – Brand New Lover (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 29, 2014 @ 09:50

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