"Strangers are simply friends…"

strangers-are-simply-friends-zero-dean

The problem with the expression “Strangers are simply friends you haven’t met yet” is that my friends probably wouldn’t mind — quite so much — when I playfully whip their butts with my towel when I walk behind them at the gym.

Who knew that big guys could run that fast!? ;)

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Originally published on: Aug 23, 2013 @ 10:57

Just imagine

just-imagine-zero-dean

You have to use your imagination, but I’m on the right in this picture.

No. Wait.

I’m on the left.

I mean to the left of the person on the right, but to the right of the person on the left.

The rest is up to you.

Like I said, you have to use your imagination.

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Originally published on: Jun 26, 2014 @ 21:49

There has to be a law for that.

there-has-to-be-a-law-for-that-zero-dean

How come when I do something ridiculous, I almost always have an audience…

But when I do something awesome, there are never any witnesses to my awesomeness… Even in a crowded gym.

Kick flipping that yoga ball onto the rack just now was awesome.

Audience = 0.

Literally.

I believe there has to be some kind of universal law dictating that the size of your viewing audience is inversely proportional to the degree to which your action was awesome.

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Originally published on: Sep 28, 2012 @ 09:46

On the bottle

on-the-bottle-zero-dean

That awkward moment you read the warning label on a bottle of vitamins and it says, “Do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant.”

And you’re like, well, it’s highly unlikely I’ll become pregnant, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility of spontaneous male pregnancy entirely.

Also shouldn’t take while breastfeeding.

Dammit.

This bottle of vitamins should come with a buzz kill warning.

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Originally published on: Jun 16, 2014 @ 20:12

What I really need to do

what-i-really-need-to-do-zero-dean

What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover.

… But I’ll settle for a slightly used one.

As long as she still runs well, gets good mileage, and isn’t going to raise my insurance premiums.

RE: Dead Or Alive – Brand New Lover (video)

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Originally published on: Oct 29, 2014 @ 09:50

Boundaries maintained

boundaries-maintained-zero-dean

That awkward moment you walk out to your car in the parking lot and discover you accidentally left it unlocked.

When that happens, I like to pretend that I did it on purpose and was really just testing people.

Nothing stolen?

Good job, humans! You pass!

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Originally published on: Nov 29, 2014 @ 18:20

One more thing

one-more-thing-zero-dean

In cafe. a Group of retirees sitting at a table next to mine. a Small child & Mom walk by and get the attention of the group. They all chitchat for minute. The child is a burst of sunshine.

Then they all say good-bye…

As the child is walking away, he turns and says:

“Wait! There’s one more thing I want to say to you!”

“What is that?”

“There’s a Sponge Bob shirt.”

And then he walked away like a kid who just shared the answer to life.

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Originally published on: Mar 19, 2011 @ 09:47

"Google is your friend."

google-is-your-friend-zero-dean

“Google is your friend.”

Well sure. Up Until their robots and self-driving cars become sentient and try to take over the world. Then we’re all toast!

Now, I’m not saying I’m not looking forward to the apocalypse, but I am saying I’ve seen The Terminator. I know how this story goes.

*I’m cool with the robot apocalypse as long as I can still google “how to survive the robot apocalypse” when it happens.

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Originally published on: Nov 24, 2014 @ 15:17

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